Golden Rule #4: Know Your Role

Lesson is 23% done.

Activity: Checking-In

Remember Ali and Sarah? Help Sarah use Golden Rule #1 Say What You See to check in with Ali.

Hey, sorry I missed your call. So much homework 😫

How should Sarah respond?

What’s with you lately? Are you avoiding me?

Not quite.

This might make Ali defensive.

Good choice!

You stuck to the facts and opened up the conversation.

Let's continue on!

Story: Estyr and Kirbie

Check out this video from Kirbie and his friend, Estyr, who supported him and protected their friendship by setting healthy boundaries.

Welcome to the Be There Certificate!

Congrats on taking the first step towards learning to better support your peers and loved ones.

Throughout the course, you’ll learn:

  • Warning signs that someone might be struggling with their mental health
  • Be There’s 5 Golden Rules – a practical framework to support someone who’s struggling.
  • Self-care tips, because your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s!

You'll get to:

  • Learn from quick tutorials explaining each Golden Rule
  • Take in stories from folks who have been there for their loved ones
  • Test your knowledge with interactive quizzes
  • Practice applying the Golden Rules to real life scenarios

What to expect:

Once you complete all 6 Lessons, you’ll receive the coveted Be There Certificate! Along the way, you’ll also receive badges and encouragement from fellow learners. It takes about two hours to complete but, don’t worry, if you need a break we’ll automatically save your progress up to the last page you finished.

You’ll get started in just a minute. First, a few quick questions.

“It’s too expensive. I can’t afford it.”

  • Research what is covered by their school or employer insurance policies.
  • Make a monthly budget with them or share a template they can fill in themselves.
  • Research community programs or other free options.

“It’s too far away. There isn’t anything near me.”

  • Research options for online therapy or helplines.
  • For highschoolers: Ask your guidance counselor what support is available locally.
  • For university or college students: Visit the campus wellness center to see what services are available.

“I’m too busy. I don’t have time.”

  • Suggest they list out everything they have to do, then help them prioritize what needs to get done and what can wait.
  • Help them write out a schedule for the week with time set aside for major commitments and top priorities.
  • Ask how you can help get things done
  • Encourage them to find a therapist who can be flexible on what time they meet.

“I don’t have a car. I can’t get there.”

  • Brainstorm other options for them like getting a bike, taking transit or asking a friend for a ride.
  • They can ask their therapist or counsellor if they have virtual or phone options.

“It’s embarrassing. I don’t want anyone to find out.”

  • Mental health professionals have confidentiality commitments they must uphold. Do some research or contact a provider to ask them.
  • If they’re speaking with a counsellor, they can specify how they’d like to be contacted to maintain privacy.
  • Consider calling or texting an anonymous helpline.

“I can’t do online therapy. I don’t have any privacy at home.”

  • Consider going for a walk and do therapy over the phone instead of through the internet.
  • Explore options to book a private space at school, a friend’s house or even a local community center.

Let’s take a short break and rest our brains for a sec with this fun quiz. It’s mostly just for fun, but the questions might also help you reflect on strengths you already have as well as areas you can work on when it comes to listening. Sound good? (Get it? Sound good? 😉)

How would your friends describe you?

How often do you interrupt someone when they’re talking? Be honest.

Check-in Champ

As the champion of checking-in you pride yourself on making people feel seen. You’re great at noticing when someone isn’t doing well, but keep in mind that champions are made through practice and hard work. To continue honing your listening skills, remember to ask open-ended questions, validate how they’re feeling and don’t interrupt.

Bobble head

During tough conversations you’re great at validating how someone is feeling and not interrupting. Like a bobblehead, you often nod to show that you’re listening. But if your neck needs a break, try offering a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Remember to ask open-ended questions to help them open up and make eye contact to show that you’re paying attention.

Hugger

Bear hugs are your speciality. When a friend needs a hug, they turn to you. To become an even better listener, remember to validate how they’re feeling, ask open-ended questions and make eye contact to show you’re listening. These actions can give people that warm, fuzzy feeling the same way hugs do!

Eye Contact Master

You’re so good at making eye contact, you’ve probably never lost a staring contest! But don’t limit yourself to just one skill, it’s time to diversify. Try asking open-ended questions and nodding to show that you’re listening. Body posture is important too; uncross your arms and relax.

Just a few questions before we dive in.

We’re so excited you’re here! Let’s begin with a few questions that help us get to know you and ensure our course is responsive to the communities who turn to the Be There Certificate for support. All user data collected will be kept strictly confidential, only accessible to Jack.org. Click here to learn more or contact us at bethere@jack.org.

What name should we put on your certificate?

Were you directed here by a school or organization?

What is your date of birth?

If you are 13 years old or younger, we strongly recommend that you complete the Be There Certificate with adult supervision.

Which gender do you most closely identify with?

Are you transgender?

What country do you live in?

Which ethnic or racial groups do you identify with?

Do you identify as… (select all that apply)

Take a minute to reflect. Maybe think of a time when a friend needed your support. Choose your level of agreement with the following statements.

(Be honest, your individual answers won't be public.)

I'm confident I can... recognize when someone is struggling with their mental health.

I'm confident I can... initiate a conversation with someone about their mental health in a non-judgemental way.

I'm confident I can... create a trusting environment to help someone open up about what's bothering them.

I'm confident I can... find practical ways to support someone struggling with their mental health.

I'm confident I can... set and maintain healthy boundaries while supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.

I'm confident I can... find appropriate mental health resources for a friend.

I'm confident I can... help a friend access appropriate mental health resources.

I would feel comfortable supporting a friend with their mental health.

I would feel comfortable asking for help if I were struggling with my mental health.

If I notice a friend or loved one might be struggling with their mental health, I would try to start a conversation with them about it

Why are you interested in completing The Be There Certificate?

Perfect! We’re good to go. Let the learning begin!

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
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You did it!

You completed the Be There Certificate. Thank you for educating yourself and helping create a world where we can all better support one another.

Just a few quick questions before you get your certificate.

I'm confident I can... recognize when someone is struggling with their mental health.

I'm confident I can... initiate a conversation with someone about their mental health in a non-judgemental way.

I'm confident I can... create a trusting environment to help someone open up about what's bothering them.

I'm confident I can... find practical ways to support someone struggling with their mental health.

I'm confident I can... set and maintain healthy boundaries while supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.

I'm confident I can... find appropriate mental health resources for a friend.

I'm confident I can... help a friend access appropriate mental health resources.

I would feel comfortable supporting a friend with their mental health.

I would feel comfortable asking for help if I was struggling with my mental health.

If I notice a friend or loved one might be struggling with their mental health, I feel confident in my ability to start a conversation with them about it.

We'd love to learn your thoughts on the Be There Certificate.

Please rate your agreement with the following statements.

The Be There Certificate improved my ability to recognize if someone is struggling with their mental health.

After completing the Be There Certificate, I feel better able to safely support someone who is struggling with their mental health.

After completing the Be There Certificate, I feel better able to take care of my own mental health.

How satisfied are you with your experience of the Be There Certificate?

What, if anything, would you change about the Be There Certificate?

Take a minute to share some words of encouragement to another Be There Certificate learner.

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Listen to the audio

Estyr and Kirbie: We're talking 'bout boundaries

Read the transcript

Estyr: Hi I’m Estyr.

Kirbie: And I’m Kirbie and we are best friends.

Estyr: Living together was super fun. We watched a lot of television, the apartment we were in was really old and decrepit.

Kirbie: But lovable.

Estyr: It was like a game changer to have someone there all the time. Even if it was 1 am and you were vomiting because you had food poisoning.

Kirbie: Yup, that happened.

Estyr: Yes, that happened. But that also presented a challenge in boundaries.

Kirbie: I really dug deep into this friendship, into, like, a really codependent place. I developed this habit of anytime I needed comfort or just wanted to chat, or if I was a little lonely, I would give her a call. Then I would call again five minutes later, and then I would call again 10 minutes later. And sometimes she would get to her phone and there would be like eight missed calls.

Estyr: It was hard for me to say, like, “Don’t call me so much.” And I just felt like everyone was asking for more and more and I was like, “There’s nothing left to give. I don’t have anything else to give.”

Kirbie: Estyr had to have really tough conversations with me about saying that, like, “That’s not okay” and for me in those moments, it was hard to hear them. When I had those reactions, she would reframe it in a way that I understood that like this boundary was because she loved me and it was so that our relationship could stay healthy. And eventually I got that, but it took a while.

Estyr: To your credit, you really listened to what I was saying. If Kirbie didn’t do that, our friendship wouldn’t have survived. The renegotiation of boundaries has to go both ways.

Kirbie: We made a system so that if I was actually in an emotional crisis, I would text her and say “urgent” or “911”. I would know that if she saw that, if she was available, she would call me back. It showed me that yeah, I did need to broaden my support system, that she wasn’t the only person who could meet my needs. I would not be as healthy as I am if Estyr had not set those boundaries.

Both: [Singing] We’re talking ‘bout boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Boundaries. Know your role!

According to Be There, how should you create a safe environment for someone struggling with their mental health?

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A classmate is feeling so anxious about an upcoming exam that they’re nauseous and have barely eaten all week. This change is…

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Ali joined the science club

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Fill in the blanks:

🎶 "We're talking 'bout !" 🎵

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Optional Videos

Content Warning: Mention of suicidal ideation

Listen to the audio

Erica & Liv: You still demanded respect

Read the transcript

Content Warning: Mention of suicidal ideation

Liv: Hi, I’m Liv.

Erica: And I’m Erica.

Both: And we’re sisters.

Liv: I went into an outpatient program, the day program at the hospital. I couldn’t be alive for myself. I didn’t care enough about myself at that time to live for myself. So I clung to things I did love. You gave me a lifeboat because you gave me the love that I gave you, and more.

Erica: I always tried to treat you with the same respect. Yeah, I was dropping you off at the hospital and if you were being a pain to me I would always tell you that up front. If I made you a sandwich to go to the day program, you were going to the day program and I was not letting you not get out of the bed. I made that a rule off the bat and you definitely picked up on that.

Liv: And you held me to it too. There were days where I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to wake up, I didn’t want to get out of bed. And you were like, “Look I’m giving up my day to do this for you, to drive you there and back, to make you food.”

Erica: But I also tried to balance that with maybe giving you a little bit more space. I think it’s a hard balance when people are feeling down and sick because you don’t want to hold them too accountable but you also have to balance that with being like, “No, I’m a person too and I have feelings too. You can’t just completely exploit me to the point where it’s taking a toll on my mental health.”

Liv: You never pretended to be my therapist, you never pretended to be my mom. You were always my sister first and foremost, and my support that I could lean on. And we would talk about times where my mom was doing her mom role as my support. We’d be like, “Yeah, Mom’s being really annoying.” And we’d laugh about that and just be like, “Oh my gosh.” You were very compassionate towards me which is really important because I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt anyone, which I think people can forget sometimes. People will think that someone who’s sick, their actions might be malicious in some way. But at least for me, it was never meant to be malicious. I just had so much pain inside me that I didn’t know how to handle it and I was scared. If you back a dog into a corner, they’re going to bark and bite so you gave me that space that I needed. You never made me feel cornered which made it easier for me to open up to you. And you understood I couldn’t think about your feelings at that time because I was so overwhelmed, but you still made sure to take care of yourself. You still demanded respect from me. Which I think is really important too and I think it’s a piece that a lot of people forget about being there for someone, is that you are still a person.

Erica: I was lucky enough that summer to be in a position where I had time and I had energy and my mental health was in a pretty good place. Yeah it was hard, I’m not going to lie and say it was a walk in the park and it was just as easy as being your sister now. It was a really hard time for me and for us. In my role that I took on with you, I always put myself first. You were a very close second. Does that make sense? I know it’s cheesy to say, but you can’t really love someone else unless you love yourself.

Liv: In being there for me you trained me how to be there for other people. Like, whenever I’m there for someone else now. I’m like, “How would Erica handle this? How does she do it?”

Listen to the audio

Paul & Jason: You stuck around, you asked questions

Read the transcript

Jason: Hi I’m Jason, this is my friend Paul.

Paul: Howdy, I’m Paul.

Jason: We met all the way back in grade 9, in drama class and pretty much, we’ve been friends ever since. I think it was around grade 11 or grade 12 that we got our licenses and the freedom of driving was a really really big moment for us. Getting our licenses and being able to be in a car, in a locked car pulled over on the side of the road, for extended periods of time opened up that space. We were craving that space to open up to someone about what’s really going on in our lives.

Paul: We would stop on this one street, 9th Line. I don’t know who started first, if someone just wanted to have a conversation about their mental health or something was going on at the time but we ended up stopping on this street more often. We mostly just listened to music and teased each other but then, eventually we started talking about our relationships and then you have to start talking about your feelings because you care about people. And without you knowing it, it opens up a vulnerability that you didn’t realize you had in yourself and that you can actually talk to people about that. I think I’m just being silly and bantering with my friends but I’m actually getting something out of it that I didn’t realize at the time.

Jason: There was never a space where we have to share all our feelings right now.

Paul: “Feelings time!”

Jason: Like, “We must do this.” But to just be in a car pulled over at the side of the road, you’re not going anywhere. But then it would naturally flow into moments where any one of us could be like, “Actually I want to talk to you guys about something.” That was that open safe space to do that.

Paul: Our 9th Line conversations set the groundwork for what would later become a comfort zone where we could talk to each other about things. Jay’s always been a strong person for me, someone who never gets down, can take a beating. One day we had a conversation. “Hey man I’m actually in a really dark place right now. I don’t necessarily need to talk about it, but if I do I want to come to you to keep an eye on me.” That taught me that people actually do break down and I have a job as a friend.

Jason: You didn’t respond in a negative way. You didn’t instantly point at me like, “Dude, get over it”.

Paul: “Not comfortable with this!”

Jason: No, you stuck around, you asked questions and you really showed that you cared in that moment which was so huge for me and I knew that we could start having those conversations more.

Paul: I didn’t actually know what to do at the time. Do I call it out when I see it? Do I need to be his therapist now? What do I do? I just decided to be present and be available.

Jason: I remember the second conversation, the second time around when you came to me saying that you were struggling with your mental health. I was like “Oh, I know exactly how to be there for you, it’s exactly how you were there for me.” It just sort of fell into place. It was almost like we knew what to do already.

Paul: Yeah, we had check-ins regularly after that. It was normal.

Jason: You did a great job. And that’s why mental health is important.

Listen to the audio

Pauline & Edmee: My only job was to listen

Read the transcript

Edmee: Hi, my name’s Edmee.

Pauline: Hi, I’m Pauline.

Edmee: We met, I guess it would have been five years ago or so?

Pauline: Um, more than five.

Edmee: Six?

Pauline: Six and a half?

Edmee: Six and a half at the faculty of music. I remember being in fourth year university and having thoracic outlet syndrome where I wasn’t able to play piano, I could hardly lift a pencil. I had this overwhelming fear that I would never play piano again and that I wouldn’t be able to live my life the way I wanted to live it. But Pauline was always there for me. Throughout all of it I always felt that I had an amazing friend in her, someone who could listen to the struggles I was having and who was able to notice that I wasn’t doing as well as I had been doing and that made me feel a lot less alone.

Pauline: It was the first time in our friendship that I noticeably saw you struggling through something. That was really hard to navigate. I didn’t know how much I should try to prod you and check in on you, or how much I should just let you be and see if you wanted to come talk to me. I remember as you started talking more and more about it, in a single conversation about it you would be sharing more about what you were feeling and what you had gone through and that would make you more emotional.

Edmee: It was a real struggle for me to not have that means to express myself and to have that hinder what I felt to be a really important part of my academic work as well as a music major.

Pauline: As we were having those talks, I knew it wasn’t my place to be giving her solutions. She was already seeing people about it, she was talking to other people about it and was taking care of all that herself. My only job was to listen to what she wanted to tell me and support her in any way that I could.

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