Activity: Checking-In
Remember Ali and Sarah? Help Sarah use Golden Rule #1 Say What You See to check in with Ali.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. So much homework 😫
What’s with you lately? Are you avoiding me?
This might make Ali defensive.
You stuck to the facts and opened up the conversation.
Story: Jessie and Mani
Check out this video from Jessie and her friend, Mani, to learn how simple tips from Hear Them Out helped Jessie open up about what was going on.
Welcome to the Be There Certificate!
Congrats on taking the first step towards learning to better support your peers and loved ones.
Throughout the course, you’ll learn:
- Warning signs that someone might be struggling with their mental health
- Be There’s 5 Golden Rules – a practical framework to support someone who’s struggling.
- Self-care tips, because your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s!
You'll get to:
- Learn from quick tutorials explaining each Golden Rule
- Take in stories from folks who have been there for their loved ones
- Test your knowledge with interactive quizzes
- Practice applying the Golden Rules to real life scenarios
What to expect:
Once you complete all 6 Lessons, you’ll receive the coveted Be There Certificate! Along the way, you’ll also receive badges and encouragement from fellow learners. It takes about two hours to complete but, don’t worry, if you need a break we’ll automatically save your progress up to the last page you finished.
You’ll get started in just a minute. First, a few quick questions.
“It’s too expensive. I can’t afford it.”
- Research what is covered by their school or employer insurance policies.
- Make a monthly budget with them or share a template they can fill in themselves.
- Research community programs or other free options.
“It’s too far away. There isn’t anything near me.”
- Research options for online therapy or helplines.
- For highschoolers: Ask your guidance counselor what support is available locally.
- For university or college students: Visit the campus wellness center to see what services are available.
“I’m too busy. I don’t have time.”
- Suggest they list out everything they have to do, then help them prioritize what needs to get done and what can wait.
- Help them write out a schedule for the week with time set aside for major commitments and top priorities.
- Ask how you can help get things done
- Encourage them to find a therapist who can be flexible on what time they meet.
“I don’t have a car. I can’t get there.”
- Brainstorm other options for them like getting a bike, taking transit or asking a friend for a ride.
- They can ask their therapist or counsellor if they have virtual or phone options.
“It’s embarrassing. I don’t want anyone to find out.”
- Mental health professionals have confidentiality commitments they must uphold. Do some research or contact a provider to ask them.
- If they’re speaking with a counsellor, they can specify how they’d like to be contacted to maintain privacy.
- Consider calling or texting an anonymous helpline.
“I can’t do online therapy. I don’t have any privacy at home.”
- Consider going for a walk and do therapy over the phone instead of through the internet.
- Explore options to book a private space at school, a friend’s house or even a local community center.
Let’s take a short break and rest our brains for a sec with this fun quiz. It’s mostly just for fun, but the questions might also help you reflect on strengths you already have as well as areas you can work on when it comes to listening. Sound good? (Get it? Sound good? 😉)
Check-in Champ
As the champion of checking-in you pride yourself on making people feel seen. You’re great at noticing when someone isn’t doing well, but keep in mind that champions are made through practice and hard work. To continue honing your listening skills, remember to ask open-ended questions, validate how they’re feeling and don’t interrupt.
Bobble head
During tough conversations you’re great at validating how someone is feeling and not interrupting. Like a bobblehead, you often nod to show that you’re listening. But if your neck needs a break, try offering a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Remember to ask open-ended questions to help them open up and make eye contact to show that you’re paying attention.
Hugger
Bear hugs are your speciality. When a friend needs a hug, they turn to you. To become an even better listener, remember to validate how they’re feeling, ask open-ended questions and make eye contact to show you’re listening. These actions can give people that warm, fuzzy feeling the same way hugs do!
Eye Contact Master
You’re so good at making eye contact, you’ve probably never lost a staring contest! But don’t limit yourself to just one skill, it’s time to diversify. Try asking open-ended questions and nodding to show that you’re listening. Body posture is important too; uncross your arms and relax.
Jessie: Hi, my name is Jessie.
Manvir: My name is Mani. We actually met at Queen’s University in second year.
Jessie: We’ve been friends for a while and we’ve always kind of been there for each other I would say. But 2018 was a really tough year for myself. Little things that built up and caused a lot of stress in my life.
Manvir: I guess that’s when you started telling me about everything that was going on in your life. I just wanted to sit and listen. My job as a friend was to just sit and absorb and see what’s going on and take it all in. It wasn’t even like I thought something was wrong. I just thought you were busy. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I just wanted to say, “Hey, you’re my friend let’s hang out, what’s up?”
Jessie: He was there and he was listening to me, he was asking me those questions and validating how I was feeling. It may not seem like a lot to you but I went home that day and felt so much better. It was so nice to have that space to talk to you about it.
Manvir: I think that’s part of active listening as well, actually trying to understand what you’re going through. I knew there was something about the breakup. How are you feeling about that? How are you dealing with it? Little things like that, smaller follow-up questions. As a friend I want to know what’s going on, that’s where that’s coming from. Just listening can be hard sometimes.
One of the things I was actively focusing on was just letting the person talk and just trying to actually understand how they’re feeling, what they’re going through, what’s happening in their mind. Because the way that I might have perceived something earlier in my past might be different than how they see it right now. To me, it was really important to see what Jessie was going through and how she was feeling and I didn’t want to make assumptions. The easiest way to find out is to just ask.
Jessie: Yeah, and I’ve always been resistant. When someone asks me the first time, I’m like, “No, I’m fine.” is always my answer. But just being open and you always ask open ended questions. You never cut the conversation off like, “Are you ok?” “Yes”. You did a great job as well of continuously checking in, like a couple weeks later sending a text, “Hey, I care about you. What’s going on?” When you are struggling I guess it’s hard to take that initiative, and having you do that for me made it so much easier for me to have that conversation with you really.
According to Be There, how should you create a safe environment for someone struggling with their mental health?
A classmate is feeling so anxious about an upcoming exam that they’re nauseous and have barely eaten all week. This change is…
Ali joined the science club
Fill in the blanks:
Optional Videos
Content Warning: Mention of suicidal ideation.
Content Warning: Mention of suicidal ideation.
Mel: Hi I’m Mel.
Matt: I’m Matt.
Mel: And we’ve been friends for as long as I can remember.
Mel: He’s basically the male version of me.
Matt: Yeah, long-lost twins.
Mel: So we went to the same high school, we had the same summer jobs.
Matt: Same dentist.
Mel: Same birthday. Just a bunch of weird coincidences. And we’ve been friends since, yeah, the day we met when I was training you at our summer job.
Matt: Ah, good times. Growing up in a small town meant feeling isolated in having mental health struggles a lot. There was just no communication about it, and part of that was because there were not many resources. I don’t think our town had a psychiatrist. When you have that atmosphere, where having mental health struggles isn’t really okay, it makes it really hard to find someone that you feel comfortable talking to about that.
Mel: I remember there was one day when we were carpooling on our way back home from work and you had opened up to me about your mental health struggles and I just remember that being the first time that I learned that about you or I’d learned that about anyone else really and I just remember thinking, you know, like, “Me too” and that was a really impactful moment for me.
Matt: Yeah, I think that was the first time I’ve ever told anyone that I don’t really want to be alive sometimes so it was hard but I felt comfortable being able to talk to you about that.
Mel: I didn’t know anyone else who had gone through the same thing. I truly thought I was alone in it and I remember thinking, yeah like, “I’m the only one. I’m the only one.” And then that day in the car was just like, “Okay, there’s one more.” A lot of the time the way that I’ve learned to support you is even just asking, “Hey, what can I do to help? Is there anything that I can do right now that will make things easier?” You know, “Do you need a friend? Do you need a coffee date? Do you need something else?”
Matt: It was the atmosphere that we created and the fact that I knew Mel cared. I was confident that there was no judgment being made, that I could share how I was feeling without Mel looking at me any differently or any worse because of that. And that was just in the dynamic of our friendship. Being there for someone means actively listening, having the conversation with mindfulness and asking questions and validating how they feel. I felt heard. I felt like what I was saying was actually getting through to someone.
Mel: Yeah, and knowing that, it doesn’t mean that you’re never gonna have a bad day again but it does mean that you’re never gonna have to face that bad day alone and that’s a really meaningful moment to me.
Matt: Yeah, it makes a world of a difference.
Shawn: My name is Shawn.
Shaiya: And I’m Shaiya.
Shawn: And she’s my sister.
Shaiya: And he’s my brother, or my sister, depending on the day. We instantly connected because we have similar backgrounds, where I have a Jamaican background and Shawn is from Barbados, so we kinda clicked that way.
Shawn: I basically came out to Shaiya, essentially, which was not easy for me at the time because coming from a conservative country where any other sexuality outside of the heteronormative form is frowned upon. In Barbados, I was a radio host / DJ for this big gospel station. Feeling as though I had to put a mask on, feeling as though I can’t be my true genuine self 100% of the time and feeling as though I had to hide certain parts of me to be accepted within certain spaces – that was a huge challenge for me. I remember when I was thinking about moving here, I was like, I can hold hands with whoever I want to, I can kiss whoever I want to. It’ll be great! And I felt I had the opportunity to be Shawn, 100% Shawn but who was he? I didn’t know who Shawn was. When I first joined the lab I was in a huge space of rediscovering Shawn because for so many years I was putting on this mask of who people want Shawn to be and not who Shawn wants to be. It was really tough, but I felt comfortable because you were there. You were so warm and open for me to share that information with you, and I didn’t feel as though you would judge me. That was mind blowing to me to just have someone being there to listen about my life, and my experiences. That was actually very healing for me to be able to talk about it with you in person.
Shaiya: I always support you Shawny-poo. Aww.
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